I used to work in a teen center a few years ago. The pay was horrible and some of the staff was worse than the kids, but one of the highlights of my time there was speaking to two older women who were staff there as well about, you know, life stuff. They dropped many a nugget on the young(er) Ro.
On one particular occasion, Ms Audrey, one of the women who I spoke to often, said I was good person, but I lacked one thing. The ability to be vulnerable and open to things. In my mind, that made no sense at the time. Why would one open themselves up to be hurt? It wasn’t until a couple of years later I understood what she said. By being open, she meant having the courage to go through a situation and accepting the possibility that you may, in fact get hurt. I think in our many conversations she tried to impress upon me to just live my life and stop worrying about every little thing.
In the time that I left the youth center, I took her lesson to heart.. or at least I tried. I’ve been through a lot of things, mostly good, some bad and a few that have been actually painful. In a real life everyday fashion, I see the wisdom of Ms. Audrey’s words. However as much as I accept the knowledge that she gave me, I was not ready to fully embrace it. Yes, have been through many a thing I learned from, but I not only took the lessons I was supposed to learn, but I carried with me the pain of those lessons as well.
Life is not easy at all, man. You will learn one way or the other. The good thing about this is that I have learned a great deal about myself and the people around me with the lens that I was given at that old youth center by one of the wisest people I had ever met. But that lens, over the years, became clouded with anger, hurt, bitterness, etc, which were and are side effects of just living. And it wasn’t until I had a conversation with someone recently on a train ride home one day that it hit me how… cold I was becoming.
And I’m a Piscine man. I love shit. It’s just what I do. But I was allowing the journey of these life lessons and experiences to affect me more than the lessons themselves. Kinda like burning yourself on the stove and staying pissed at the stove rather that just learning don’t touch a hot stove. Ha, it’s not the stove’s fault. It’s hot. That’s what it is. Just respect it for what it is, learn from it, and move along. Easier said then done, I know. Ha, believe you me, I KNOW. But at some point, you gotta come to peace with the things that have happened to you in your life, man. The good of course, the bad, and the really ugly moments too.
I often say ‘the past speaks with a loud voice’. And I still believe that it does. But should that voice be louder than the present? Should what you have been dictate what you are? Or, do all these moments contribute to what you choose to be? At the end of the day, we all have a divine choice of deciding what kind or person we are, for whatever reasons we want to use to prop up this choice. As human beings things affect us different ways. I’ve spend so much time dwelling on the negatives of these affects. Yet at the same time, my life is good. Perhaps, the positives that can be found even in the hard times can and should be given respect as much the negatives. Ha, idealistic I know… but I’m a Piscine, baby. It’s what I do. Yall take it light…
Tags: Growing Up, Life